Hi,
Today's realizations are deep and include a lot of my coming-to-terms with my past. Because this was and is an important part of my Yoga journey. So, my friend, if you do not have that space within you right now, please come back to this letter another time.
A few weeks ago, I was listening to the Simple Ayurveda Podcast (ep.129 for those interested), and stumbled upon an episode in which they talk in-depth about manifestation. With manifestation and affirmations becoming a more widely-practiced daily ritual, and personally having practiced it for many years, I was drawn to the content of the episode. It turned out that what they had to say was exactly what I needed to hear.
In that podcast, the guest speaker, Shivani, explains that in the process of manifestation, you're going to have to acknowledge and clear the blockages in your soul before your manifestations can be realized. She also said that there is an "icky feeling" accompanied with any path to healing and clarity, so the ickiness I'd been feeling lately was simply part of the process. Shivani also mentioned that your manifestations are what your soul is asking for; and the desire to manifest is your soul asking you to cleanse all the negativity and toxicity that has been built up within you. This last concept resonated deeply with me because something within me just clicked.
The entire week following up to my hearing this podcast, I had started to get flashbacks of certain experiences from my past. I had been bullied, among other things, by people I considered to be my family and an enormous part of my world. While I had thought all was forgiven and over years ago, here I was, almost 10 years later, reliving the experiences on repeat.
It seemed so random to me that I had started looking for triggers. Maybe this was a reaction to the crime books I had been reading? I switched to lighter reads, but no difference was made. It was confusing, but mostly, it was really, really hard. I didn't want to tell anyone because I felt silly dredging up old history, and I felt like by talking about it, I was just giving into attention-seeking desires. But reliving those memories again and again made every day long and difficult. And pretending I was business-as-usual was the hardest... I hadn't had to do that in a long time.
After listening to the podcast, I realized that these old memories might be a blockage that I have to release. There must be something there I haven't dealt with before. So I turned off the podcast after completing it and began journaling. And SO many connections were made.
I realized that there was still a lot I had to clean up from my childhood with my old best friends. By not fully accepting and forgiving their actions, my actions, and myself now, it was affecting everything. The blockages built from those experiences manifested themselves through all my friendships up to 11th grade, in my volatile relationship with my boyfriend junior year, and my inability to feel like I fit in anywhere at UT. I didn't understand or recognize any of that until I began writing.
So, I came to terms with it. I did enjoy the time I spent with these old friends. I also really loved them both. They were my older brothers, my heroes, my best friends, my soulmates, everything and all things in one. And I played an active role in what transpired. I was not just a victim, and I acknowledge the role I played in everything. I also acknowledge that just because I also did my share of wrongdoings, that does not justify their actions in any way, shape, or form. The end of us honestly started from the beginning, with our game of Power Rangers and the slaps in between. But I forgive. I forgive myself. I forgive them. I forgive their parents, for their negativity and for forever altering my perception of my elders. And I forgive my parents. For not knowing all of it and for not stopping everything sooner. I forgive everyone. And I let that chapter of my life and everything with it go, welcoming this newly opened space within me that I will fill with love and light and forgiveness, as I am doing just now.
It was after I journalled that I realized I had more to forgive than just them. I had to forgive myself, which I had struggled with for a long time. And I had to forgive my parents, who I never even realized I was mad at in the first place. I don't remember ever feeling angry at them or upset at them, but looking back, I realize it did somehow affect me that despite how close I am with them, it took years for us to leave that circle.
Now, a few weeks later, I have successfully acknowledged and cleared yet another blockage from my past. Unfortunately, it took an argument with my closest confidante and lots of tears for light to be shed on the spirituality of the matter. I realized that no matter how well I wished a certain individual, I still harbored deep anger and pain from their actions. The worst part is that they don't even know the pain they've caused me. The conversation that steered into an argument dredged up many moments in my past that hurt, things that were said, unfair assumptions that were made, and my absolute inability to speak up for myself or justify my identity. Like before, this is something I've been dealing with for a couple of years now and felt like I had already forgiven all. So why was I here, still shedding tears over the past?
Worse yet, I felt guilty. By feeling this sense of being wronged or treated unfairly, I felt like I was harboring too much negativity. I was sending bad vibes to them, when I should be sending love and compassion. The morning following the conversation, after talking with my mom about it and spilling even more tears, I realized it was this person's birthday. And damn, the pure pain I felt for harboring any negativity on their birthday was way too much to deal with. I felt SO GUILTY. What an awful person I was for sending anything but good vibes to someone as they begin another year of their lives! But those moments of giving into the pain and recognizing that I don't want any negativity sent their way and beating myself up for feeling hurt showed me how much I was growing. And how much I wanted to let it all go. So through my Yoga practice and meditation, I released all of my emotions, trying to fill myself with and embody the light and the positivity I was beginning to recognize within myself and fall in love with. And sending as much of that positivity their way, to maybe, hopefully, make up for the bad vibes from before.
So here I am now. Two things down. God knows how many more to go. But I'm sure of one thing. Letting just these two things go and creating space for the light in my life has made me many tons lighter. I feel so much more positive and grateful in every single moment of my life that sometimes it's hard to imagine how I used to live before. It's not like I don't have any downs or any negative thoughts. To be very clear, I'm still very human and still have a long way to go. But I'm a better person than I have ever been, and that is something truly worth celebrating.
With that, I will call it a close. I'm sending so much love, compassion, and positivity your way until we talk again. I truly hope you receive this energy and feel its warmth wash over you.
With love,
Shreya
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