Hi Friend!
It’s been a while.
These past few months, I have felt so personally stagnant. It’s as if the Universe hit the pause button on my self-development and growth, and I felt like I was moving backward from who I was at the start of 2022. It’s not like I stopped doing my healing and introspection or that life really did stop, but rather, it was me who stopped.
When I first started my self-development journey and dove into Yoga and Ayurveda, I began to learn about myself on a level I never had before. This led me to start uncovering and healing everything hidden in the depths of my mind, so since then, I have had a deep passion for continuing to heal.
What I eventually learned is that when implemented the wrong way, that passion for healing actually held me back rather than propelling me forward as I intended.
I became so focused on becoming the best version of myself and trying to heal the traumas that came up that eventually, my show of daily self-love became solely introspection. This came from a place of feeling so overwhelmed that if there was only one thing I could do for myself every day, I wanted it to be some time to focus on healing myself.
Unfortunately, I was so blinded that I didn’t realize this desire to focus on my healing had led me away from healing. In practice, my healing time looked like me creating a list of what I needed to improve and how I could do so. Some things were easier to implement, but others seemed like they’d take too much time, and I wouldn’t actually act on those.
Because I was actively seeking out aspects of me that needed to be improved rather than releasing my emotions/thoughts and healing, I began to focus on the negative parts of me and lose sight of my gifts. And by not acting on all the aspects of me I wanted to improve, I began to stop believing I could show up for myself or even try. So rather than healing from this introspection time, I started to move backward and develop a sense of distrust and resentment for myself.
When I finally understood what was happening last week, I had three very important realizations:
Healing relies on building a life that allows growth and realizations to happen organically. This lifestyle leads to recognizing a thought/emotion that isn’t serving you when you’re ready to release it, which is what actually heals you. Looking back, I realize that when my life revolved around Yoga and Ayurveda, my healing was a result and accompaniment of living a life that challenged me, exposed me to new things, and was designed to bring me closer to my Spiritual Self. It was never the healing on its own that actually healed me; the healing was simply my conscious process of recognizing and letting go. The rest of the processing and priming was taking place as I shed layer upon layer of myself and my ego while practicing Yoga, in its true sense (not just asanas), throughout my days. To continue healing and growing, I don’t need to be actively trying to heal; rather, I need to live my life in a way where my spiritual self is constantly being shaped and challenged, so it can naturally give way to the healing and growth that I seek.
Your trust is built by following through on your self-promises, and you are responsible for making the time in your day for your promises. Looking back again, I can see that I could have made the time for my daily Yoga and meditation and incorporated more of Ayurveda into my life. Yes, this would have meant cutting down on the time I spent doing other things important to me, such as talking with my parents or my boyfriend or my schoolwork. BUT by not following through on my words to myself, I broke my own trust and belief in myself, which had a far greater impact. My first priority needs to be my commitment to myself. A third of that is giving my best to my academics and career, another third of that is spending enough time with the people I love, and the last third is spending enough time on my spiritual and physical self. While I was touching upon all of these promises to myself, I was doing so with so much compromise that I was still failing to maintain my commitment. I was spending so little time on my spiritual and physical self that it felt like I half-hearted attempt, so at the end of the day, I was still failing on my promise to myself. And while I was spending time with the people I love for my own fulfillment, after a certain amount of time, I was staying more to make them happy than for me. Hence, I never needed to stop doing all the things I was doing, I just needed to make more time for a part of me that was dying from lack of nourishment and was slowly breaking me.
The feeling of stagnation comes from not working toward my goals; it doesn’t come from not healing. At the end of the day, I wasn’t necessarily aware of my healing for many years before Yoga and Ayurveda, but I still felt like I was progressing because I was still pursuing my dreams and challenging myself personally. As a result, for me, it’s more important to keep working towards my goals daily than it is to be healing daily. By focusing on making progress towards my goals, I’ll be challenging myself in new and different ways, so at the end of the day, I’ll be healing anyway.
Clearly, I strayed farther than I would have liked from Yoga and Ayurveda over these many months, but I’ve found my way back. And in finding my way back, I also found a reignited passion for sharing this journey I’m on. Mistakes are the best way to learn, and I’ve certainly learned.
So, learn from my lessons. When you’re healing and trying to become your best self, don’t stop living a challenging, invigorating life. The challenging, invigorating life you create is actually the heart of what heals you and builds a strong, trusting relationship with yourself, ultimately allowing you to show up as your best self each and every day.
Yours Truly,
Shreya
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